I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
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my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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