'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
