my phone needs a breathalizer
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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