I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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