she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
