So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
