i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
