insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
