So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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