he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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