Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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