When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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