How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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