Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
