I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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