FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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