what day is it and did you see me today?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?