It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.