I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
