I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
