i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
