At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize