Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
