u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
