Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
