he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
