i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
