Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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