I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
