I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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