I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
