My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
