He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Pooping to opera.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
