I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
