I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
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You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
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My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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