I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So much rum. So many feels.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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