It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
