my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
