I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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