the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
