You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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