the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
