I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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