Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wish you could order shots online.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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