Well apparently he's into motor boating.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
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Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
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I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My bed smells like the plague
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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