i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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