I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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