I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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