a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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