I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
