My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Enjoy the penises
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
