I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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