Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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