Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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