i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
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I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
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All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
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