Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
