I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i wish my penis had a tongue
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
